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I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping but then again what else is new. You know how when you go to bed and you just stay awake thinking and thinking until your drowning, almost like your suffocating in your thoughts? I feel like that happens to me every night.

I don’t know what it is. I go to bed around 9. Granted Justin and I fool around for a while but then he’s sleeping by 10 and here I am. It’s almost 1 am and I am awake, thinking.

Maybe texting my friend has a little something to do with me staying up too though. She’s going through some stuff. It’s actually pretty similar to some things I went through too so I can’t help but try and steer her in a certain direction. I won’t go into detail.

I’ll admit though I wasn’t so fond of her for a while but I really love that I have that one person I can tell everything to. I mean, with Heather, she’s fun to be around… but only when I’m drinking.

Today she texted me to go to a parade with her and her son. Knowing this, I could tell there would be no drinking involved so I automatically said I had other plans. She’s my boyfriend’s sister so I can’t really talk to her about a lot of things either. I can’t talk to her about sex, or when my bf pisses me off. I can’t talk about how I’m starting to really hate their younger brother because of how irresponsible he is and untrustworthy for stealing my singles out of my wallet. Like I wouldn’t notice??? I can’t talk to her about how I dream about someone that isn’t my boyfriend. And to be perfectly honest, I just can’t stand her sometimes. She’s so self-centered. If I talk about myself for more then a minute she’ll start to tune me out. The only time she’s likable is when we are both drinking.

But oh, how drinking feels so right. The numbness, the tingling, how everything that didn’t makes sense starts to make sense. The warmth inside you after a couple of drinks. When your body feels light. When you smile a genuine smile.

And for a while, everything feels right.

That’s really the only word I can think of… right. It feels right.

I didn’t drink this weekend though. I stayed home. I had two short shifts during the days and during the nights I just had cuddle sessions with my boyfriend and watched Netflix.

Moments like those also feel right. I love him with all my heart. I’d do anything for that man. And I know he feels the same.

I just think that there will always be that lingering feeling. That lingering curiosity and unanswered questions. Questions that I really don’t want an answer to.

And though these things linger, I’d rather shut them out. I’d prefer to be left in the dark. I prefer to move on peacefully no matter what my subconscious mind might think. Then maybe one day there won’t be any more lingering. Over time, it’ll fade.

I had to take the right steps necessary to make sure that happens.

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